The Land of Oz, but Me

Somewhere Over the Rainbow... if that song doesn't grab your heart and force tears out of it nothing will. Or perhaps you just don't understand it deeply, fully in your heart. For most, it's just a song from the movie the Wizard of Oz. For others, it's a song about what life was meant to be, how it was shown to us through the loving eyes of parents. For some, it is the song of longing, longing to be something more, to have another day, to stop being misunderstood, to end all that hurts.

I bought a beautiful book for Zea that illustrates the song. I couldn't even read the words to her without choking up. So I had to ask myself why the longing, and what will it mean for us both? The longing for me  is and always has been the desire for approval. I have always wished to be loved. Though I know many people love me, I often wonder why, and for how long. I wonder if it's me they love or some image I have cast upon them that they love.

The rawest, most bare part of me suggests a person in need of constant revival through approval. Yet the me that I am suggests a person so strong she resists approval, even denies it. But between those two is the real me, the person who sits on the ledge watchguarding it all. That self almost never testifies if at all.

So what does it mean to be over the rainbow? How can you be there while still alive, still sure of yourself, still believing in promise, still able to hope while having faith that it's all the way it should be?

There is no way. My belief is that I am what I was meant to be, and that's a pretty decent person. The rainbow is my own ascent toward my better self, which is nothing more than the truest me. To extrapolate, the truest me is the rawest me, so the animal who is watchguarding is merely there to keep me from showing others what's really going on inside.

When I have endeavored to fire this watchguard my life has become sizably more difficult. But what's important is the tangible ability to have insight into what I am, and not what others tell me I am. Because by almost scientific degree, I know that I am good, even if it is over a rainbow.