By the time this posts it will no longer technically be Friday night, which is exactly what makes it the perfect immediate reflection on a Friday night on Frontier Ranch.
It's not the exact topic i wanted to write about, so there may be some bleeding here and there and you will have to forgive the digressions. first, let me tell you that i just had tequila Jose had been saving. i thought it would be a good idea to mix it with soda water just as i would with vodka (the skinny bitch as Katie would call it). Ommmm, this was maybe the worst idea i've ever had except for when i was 18 and thought it might be "radical" to vote for Bob Dole (but i didn't, take it easy.)
Jose redid the shelves in our closet today on a total whim and for clearly no reason except that he is waiting to hear back from the 1000+ resumes we have sent out for him now that he is an official plumber. so he's cruising the house all day, finding shit to fix, fixing it with other shit that's lying around, and making me watch the baby on my knee while i blog or repair reputations. he's very MacGyver, perhaps MacGyveriguez.
so it's Friday night. i just realized several hours ago that it had been Friday the 13th. not too bad for a superstitious holiday. i actually resolved to stop screaming today, unless screaming is 100% called for, which currently in my life it is not. generally i scream at just about everything in this house, and only maybe 10 to 15% of it deserves real yelling. that said, probably a good 50 to 70% of it deserves some stern talking and a kickass internal attitude.
so that's what i'm learning about. the inner attitude. you think you know what i'm talking about but i bet only a few of you really do. there's the voice in your head that guides you. sometimes it tells you to stick up, sometimes to sit down, sometimes to do nothing at all. this voice will tell you to eat chocolate cake when you weigh 400 pounds. it will also tell you not to drive after drinking. this is not the voice i am talking about.
i'm talking more about a seat where your soul can choose to sit within your mind. imagine there are a row of various chairs in your mind. a lawn chair, an easy chair, an executive leather desk chair, a stool, a wooden box, a wheelchair, and finally, the crown seat, the throne where your soul sits when it rules. it rules over your senses and emotions, your tensions and the dispositions of others. the soul should not always sit in the throne, there are times when the stool and the lawn chair should be enjoyed, times even when the easy chair that faces a blank wall is the best choice.
but today i sat in my mind's throne. i made a choice. this was a choice i thought would be difficult until i surrendered to my own strength. sounds funny, doesn't it? surrendering to your own strength; think about it for a second. basically, it means (for me) that instead of letting the outside judgments, advice, criticisms, or internal whirlwinds of self-doubt, self-hatred and inability to believe in myself get in the way of true achievement. it's a kind of clarity that words don't do justice to, not unlike childbirth or drawing the blueprints to a structure that is revered for generations.
the point is, it's Friday night on Frontier Ranch and there's nothing different about the people i love and there's nothing different about me -- it's all been right there, but my soul has been switching between my mind's leather executive chair and the wooden box situated by the dumpster where all my "worthless" thoughts go to die. all i did was pick my ass up and walk it to a different seat.
new perspective, new kind of Friday night.
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