magic eight ball :: use it to make the most critical decisions of your life

Years ago when i ran a little rag with Katie Pegler called The Sauce Open Forum, our dear friend and artist/writer Adam Hand wrote a piece called, "Magic Eight Ball-ism." it was a delight. a funny bit about how he'd gone from one superstitious method to the next in an effort to make decisions. of course now in my golden years, i would say, "hey! hey you! you have to make your decisions for yourself!" but then the path always veers, doesn't it?

this is the best part of any Magic 8 Ball. people see one laying around and say things like, "Oh, I remember these! How cute!" and then they ask it a question that could make or break their entire life scenario. don't fucking lie. if you've ever picked up a Magic 8 Ball you asked it a serious question or two. don't pretend like you were asking it how your hair would look after a good cut and color. you were asking it if you should adopt, you were asking it if your wife cheated, you were asking it if your mom loved you, and of course, you were asking it if you were fat. you were. you know you were. you wanted the Magic 8 Ball to say something else so you could sleep, or at least enjoy some pizza.

i bought a Magic 8 Ball. so far i have not asked it anything, though two others have. so let's ask one now! [LIVE ON THE MAGIC 8!]

question: "Will I ever have a huge bathtub?"
answer: "You can rely on it"

YES!!! and our first live via Internet Magic 8 Ball moment went well. thank god. i was concerned it would be bad. but then i didn't ask a super important question. let's get naked and crazy -- here goes:

question: "Will Jose and I have another baby?"
answer: "Concentrate and ask again"

[30 seconds later]

question: "Will Jose and I have another baby?"
answer: "As I see it Yes"

okay, this is informational. cool. this is cool. so excited. omg. this is great news. holy shit. holy shit. when?

aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh -- the 8 doesn't say when. it only does yes and no. so yeah, i could ask stuff like, "will it be in a year?" and all that, but Magic 8 doesn't work like that. it'll say yes less than a month which is impossible because even if i was pregnant, i'm not pregs enough for that to happen. right?

by the way, all this is true, i mean the questions i posed and the answers are completely true, i swear.

but i have also tossed quarters asking them if my dog would die of leprosy, (which he really did have, swear to christ) and listened to one BFF say it was crazy while my other BFF told me that flipping a quarter was how she ended up in LA instead of NYC.

here's the thing. you can't pretend you're going to get a Magic 8 Ball for entertainment. you have to own up to the fact that you revere it in some spiritual manner, like a portal to the ears of the universe. and who the hell knows?

concentrate and ask again.